My secret weapon for dealing with FEAR

Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of people stuck – stuck in bad relationships, stuck in crappy jobs, stuck in cities they hate. And yet they sit idle while the days, months, and years roll on. I was speaking to a group of women several months ago, and I asked for a show of hands of people who were happy. Only 40% of the hands in the room went up. Then I asked one of the women who didn’t raise her hand why she wasn’t happy. Her reply? “I’m not making enough money.” I was fascinated with her answer for 2 reasons: 1) Money isn’t her issue. I knew it and I think she did too. 2) I had a feeling that she wasn’t doing anything to address the so-called cause of her unhappiness.

I came off the stage and said, “If you can’t be happy where you are, you will not be happy where you’re going. Happiness is not a destination or ideal – it’s a decision and a state of being.” She replied with, “Wow….yeah, you’re right.” Then I said, “Why aren’t you making more money?” She explained that she had grown up poor and it had just “always been that way” for her. Rather than ask a series of profound questions, I cut to the chase, “You’ve never had much money so you assume that you’re a helpless victim to lack and limitation and that money is something other people are meant to have but not you. Are you living in fear of never having enough? And is that informing the choices you make?” The room fell quiet. As we all sat watching her, tears began to stream down her face and she nodded. I did more work with her on clearing her blocks, but as I returned to the stage, I made a point about fear.

Here’s the reality: We only experience 2 emotions: fear and love. Every other emotion we experience is rooted in these two emotions. With that being the case, when we find ourselves stuck, it’s because something other than our perceived issue is in the way, and more often than not it’s fear (or hate, bitterness, resentment, sadness, depression, listlessness, confusion – all manifestations of fear).

So how can you address fear in a powerful way? I mean, fear is something we deal with often, especially living this Inspired Life. You’re constantly stretching and growing and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Next time you feel anxiety creeping in, use my FEAR acronym to help you remove the block.

F- Face it. Fear is a small thing with a big shadow. Have you ever had a situation where you were hyping something up in your mind and then when it happened, you realized it was a bunch of hype over nothing? Most of the things we fear eIther never happen or never have the effect we believe they will. Take your power back by running toward the things you fear and facing them head on.

E-Evaluate. Evaluate your thought process and test your assumptions. Fear is often the result of not monitoring our thoughts and assumptions closely enough to realize they’re false. Take an objective look at your situation and the thing you fear – is your fear truly justified? What if the worst happens? What if the best happens? Mentally prepare and then release the emotion that’s not serving you.

A-Act. Take action! Don’t allow fear to mutate in your mind. After you face and evaluate your fear, determine the best action to address it and get in motion. Action is fear-repellant!

R-Reframe. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Reframe your attitude and perspective on the situation you’re facing, and remember that while you can’t always control the outcome of a situation, you can always control your attitude and your response. Decide that you’ll maintain a positive attitude and watch your situation reflect your decision.

Fear doesn’t have to be a big bad monster that keeps you stuck and going in circles. Use FEAR as a stepping stone to your personal growth.

Inspired Journaling Prompt: Write about a situation you’re currently facing that has you fearful or uncertain. Use FEAR to sort out how you can address the situation and eliminate fear.

Inspired Action: Apply the action steps in FEAR and kick fear in the butt once and for all!

For the Ladies: Conquering Superwoman Syndrome

So there you are – you’ve got 73 new emails, a phone that won’t stop ringing, a 2 pm deadline at the office, and you’re in the middle of the nastiest breakup in history. This is officially a meltdown. You fight back tears, but you know that you’ve reached your limit and something must change.

If you’ve ever been in this type of situation, you know how it feels to be facing Superwoman Syndrome – that nagging feeling of not being enough because you can’t be, do, and have it all at once while looking like Beyonce’, making money like Oprah, and dropping knowledge like Maya Angelou. I’ve spoken to women all over the world who have dealt with this and yet we all feel so alone – as if every other chick on the planet is making it all work effortlessly while we fail miserably. This feeling of needing to do it all and be it all usually starts in our teens and follows us into womanhood. We don’t even realize it until we have some type of breakdown or until we look up and realize that we’ve been so busy running on life’s treadmill in our Louboutin stilettos that we’ve forgotten that we’re human beings who require mental and emotional nourishment to be our best.

We have all heard the instructions of the airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen masks before helping anyone else with theirs. And so it is in your life. No matter how many unchecked items there are on your to do list or how much your best friend needs you to bail her out (for the third time this week), you have to be happy, healthy, and filled up in order to show up at your best in your life. Think about it: how often have you felt guilty and selfish for saying no or for simply taking time away for yourself? Your personal success and happiness is the beginning of the success you create in every area of your life. This means fostering a mindset that encourages self-love, rest, pampering, and indulgences. In order to truly be an empowered woman who experiences feminine success, you have to get comfortable saying no to the good so you can say yes to the great. There’s nothing wrong with delegating a task to someone else or delaying a commitment for the sake of maintaining your own mental, emotional, and physical health. You can even encourage yourself by saying "I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others" or “The investment with the highest return is the investment in myself” or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate or journal or spending some time at the end of the day alone in a warm bath or relaxing on your patio.

Whatever you decide, make it a daily ritual to feed your spirit before putting on your Superwoman cape. You’ll find yourself more balanced and ready to handle the day. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.

The D word that nobody uses enough

Discipline.

This is my word of the week.

In my office, I have this cool little white board. I have dry erase markers and every week, there's a word that I value that I put on the board. As I work, I see this word and it becomes a sort of mental soccer ball that I play with throughout the day. For the whole week, I am centering my loose thoughts on this word or concept.



This week's word is discipline, and as I was writing the Monday Motivation to the members of the Inspired Living Community, I realized that discipline is an overlooked word in lifestyle, business, and personal success. We hear about persistence and the importance of "going hard" no matter what, but how often are we reminded that success is largely a matter of personal responsibility?

I know discipline isn't as glamorous as the other words thrown around in inspirational quotes, but I don't know a single successful person who isn't disciplined in one or many ways. Without discipline, you find yourself never really finishing what you start because you slack off of the habits necessary to make major headway.

Sometimes we look at the success and accomplishments of others and marvel at what they've done. From Olympic athletes to billionaire moguls, we want to know the secret.

It's not smarts - we've seen some not so bright people who've managed to achieve success. It's not connections - we've seen people who were nobodies make names for themselves. It's not education or money or stunning good looks - it's the vision to do something meaningful, the choice to be excellent and have excellent things, and then the discipline to remain focused and see that intention through until the end.

In what areas of your life are you lacking discipline? The most important things you need to do are easy to do and easy not to do. It would be easy for you to drink water, exercise, read, work on your business, or invest in your relationships today, right? It'd also be just as easy to do the opposite. The difference is discipline. Get clear about what results you want to create and then distill the necessary actions down to 1-2 simple, powerful habits that can get you there when done consistently. There are no magic pills and potions - discipline and consistency is how you achieve anything worth while.

Focus on developing discipline this week and honoring your commitments to be, do, and have the best. No matter how hungry you are for success, you have to have a plan - and even if you have the best plan in the world, it means nothing if you don't have the discipline to execute the plan. Discipline is the secret to success.

Since you read this far, I'm willing to let you borrow discipline as your word this week too. I'm disciplined with eating veggies so I'm going to go enjoy some cabbage.

Later.

The 4 Reasons Your Last Relationship Failed

Between weddings, scandals, affairs, and meldowns, 2010 has been an interesting year for relationships. Just days ago, we watched as singer Fantasia was admitted to the hospital for an overdose of aspirin and sleeping pills days after defending accusations that she was responsible for the demise of Antwaun Cook's marriage via an affair and sex tape.

It's been a hot summer - I personally have watched several couples breakup, and I've seen mudslinging, blame, and anger galore. Amidst the chaos, I sat thinking about relationships and why they end...how complicated and messy they can be and how little responsibility we want to take when they fall apart.

I have always loved Iyanla Vanzant's In The Meantime - a great primer for anyone facing relationship changes. She examines the many reasons relationships end, and in pondering the recent trends I've observed, I've narrowed the failures down to 4 causes that manifest themselves in a variety of ways.

1. You didn’t have clarity about something at the onset (who you are, what you want, what you’re about, who he is, what he’s about, what he wants). How many times have we gone into relationships hoping to find ourselves or to have the other person define us? Relationships are not places for discovering identity - they're places for fully expressing who you've already chosen to be. If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are, there's a good chance you'll find yourself doing things you object to at some point. Clarity is an important part of partnering in an authentic way.

2. You did not tell the truth or the truth was not told to you. We can only take responsibility for ourselves, but oftentimes, we start relationships on lies because we're afraid to operate in our truth or we don't want to continue in the discomfort of being alone. We lie to ourselves hoping that if we repeat something long enough, it will somehow become the truth. It never works. When we lie to ourselves, we only make it difficult for us to trust anyone and believe in anything. The truth is the only foundation for building a healthy, functional relationship.

3. You settled or did not show up in the relationship in an authentic way. At some point in many relationships, we see the red flashing lights and hear the sirens. We learn, through observation or intuition, that the situation has taken a wrong turn and that our partnership is slowly become a slippery slope to destruction instead of a ladder to our destiny. Rather than bail and preserve ourselves, we persist, hoping against hope that we can change the other person, the relationship, or ourselves enough to save the union. We know we deserve better, but we stay until the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

4. You operated from fear. Fear is the greatest single producer of irrational and self-destructive choices. When we reflect on the bad decisions we've made in life, it's usually easy to see that the choice was not made from a place of power and love. The act of attempting to avoid some perceived negative consequence or uncomfortable experience clouds our judgment and shifts our awareness from love to fear.

Consciously choosing to enter relationships honestly and authentically can eliminate many of the traps that keep us stuck. Remembering to always come from love empowers us to always make choices that reflect our highest selves. Happy Partnering!

Later.

Where is your abundance?

This week is about ABUNDANCE. I want you to shift your mindset this week about abundance and what it means to you. Stop saying "If I had this..." or "I wish that..." or "Too bad that I can't..." Instead, replace those things with "What I do have is...", "What I can do is..." or "I'm going to..."

The POWER that you possess is unlimited, and you have the ability to choose whether your life continuously moves forward or lags behind. How? By giving up any excuses and using what you have, where you are, to get what you want. Many of the things that were reasons when you were a child are now excuses - but you have to possess a certain level of awareness to eliminate those trains of thought that are not serving you.

Here's a paradigm shifting exercise: Sit down and make a list of everything you have more than enough of - whether it's macaroni, shoes, or friends - keep going until you absolutely can't think of anything else. Then consider that the things you have in abundance could just as easily be things you lack. Consider that you created the reality you're experiencing, and because you have abundance in several areas, you possess the power necessary to replicate abundance in other areas of your life.

Decide today that nothing and no one will stop you from having overflow in your life. Stop settling for good enough and start commanding excellence in every area of your life. Remember that it starts with you and the choices you make - choose abundance and choose to live your INSPIRED LIFE!

Until next time, be inspired!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...

God does not rescue you from a burning building so you can seek shelter in it's charred remains. For a better future, release the past.-Alfred Edmond Jr

This quote was posted on Twitter a few days ago, and it hit home with a thought I had been having for several weeks.

As a lifestyle expert and “Inspiration Icon”, I spend my days inspiring people – whether writing books, hosting my radio show, producing films, or creating personal development tools and events. The interesting thing about this entrepreneurial/leadership lifestyle is that I’ve had to constantly work on being authentic – being sure that who I was behind the scenes is congruent with the leader showing up on TV, radio, print, etc.

I recently had a situation in my life erupt into a burning building. The unfortunate part about it was that God sent appropriate warnings before things started to burn. You know, it started with a :::sniff, sniff::: Do you smell something burning? Then it graduated to Boy, it sure is hot in here. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by roaring flames, and I was looking for a way out while also trying to understand and process how this had managed to happen.

The crazy thing about questionable situations or burning buildings is that sometimes we grow attached to our problems and challenges. In spite of being intellectually and physically able to address our issues and move to higher, safer ground, we somehow believe that the ability to put the fire out is tied to our identity and self-worth. Instead of smelling the smoke and leaving, we wait for evidence of a fire. And instead of racing down the stairwell when we feel the temperature rising, we assure ourselves that it’s just a little fire and that we can put it out if we’re good enough, smart enough, loving enough, whatever enough.

So, we wait. Like the frog in water that is dead by the time it realizes the temperature has risen to a fatal temperature, we stay hoping, thinking, surmising that we will be immune to the looming destruction.

After making an emergency exit from my burning building, I looked back woefully, feeling sad and uncertain, wishing the fire had never happened. And in a moment of despair, I considered running back into the building – charred remains and all – hoping against hope that I could rebuild it magically…hoping it was all an illusion and the fire never really happened.

Today, as I reflect on the quote, I am reminded of how important it is to always be saying no to the good so you can yes to the great. I’m passing this on to everyone in the Inspired Living Community because we all face this challenge at one time or another.

The lessons…
-Your identity and self-worth are not attached to destruction. The Divine Plan for your life does not require you to engage in self-destructive patterns in order to rise to your destiny.

-Buildings burn because of a spark – something that causes combustion. Trace the fire back to its origin, and insist on learning a meaningful lesson that can make you more effective in the future.

-Sometimes it’s best to leave things in their broken state and walk away instead of hurting yourself trying to put them back together.

-When you are ushered out of a burning building, do not return to the scene of the crime. You are not meant to stay in the “remains” or “aftermath” – you deserve healthy, vibrant, good things that perpetuate light and joy.

-Our capacity for growth is dictated by our decisions to release anything that does not align with who we’re becoming and claim those things that do.

If you smell anything burning in your life, address it now and if necessary, get out. When you face a situation fearlessly, there is no situation to face.

Until next time, be inspired!

Lisa