The 4 Reasons Your Last Relationship Failed

Between weddings, scandals, affairs, and meldowns, 2010 has been an interesting year for relationships. Just days ago, we watched as singer Fantasia was admitted to the hospital for an overdose of aspirin and sleeping pills days after defending accusations that she was responsible for the demise of Antwaun Cook's marriage via an affair and sex tape.

It's been a hot summer - I personally have watched several couples breakup, and I've seen mudslinging, blame, and anger galore. Amidst the chaos, I sat thinking about relationships and why they end...how complicated and messy they can be and how little responsibility we want to take when they fall apart.

I have always loved Iyanla Vanzant's In The Meantime - a great primer for anyone facing relationship changes. She examines the many reasons relationships end, and in pondering the recent trends I've observed, I've narrowed the failures down to 4 causes that manifest themselves in a variety of ways.

1. You didn’t have clarity about something at the onset (who you are, what you want, what you’re about, who he is, what he’s about, what he wants). How many times have we gone into relationships hoping to find ourselves or to have the other person define us? Relationships are not places for discovering identity - they're places for fully expressing who you've already chosen to be. If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are, there's a good chance you'll find yourself doing things you object to at some point. Clarity is an important part of partnering in an authentic way.

2. You did not tell the truth or the truth was not told to you. We can only take responsibility for ourselves, but oftentimes, we start relationships on lies because we're afraid to operate in our truth or we don't want to continue in the discomfort of being alone. We lie to ourselves hoping that if we repeat something long enough, it will somehow become the truth. It never works. When we lie to ourselves, we only make it difficult for us to trust anyone and believe in anything. The truth is the only foundation for building a healthy, functional relationship.

3. You settled or did not show up in the relationship in an authentic way. At some point in many relationships, we see the red flashing lights and hear the sirens. We learn, through observation or intuition, that the situation has taken a wrong turn and that our partnership is slowly become a slippery slope to destruction instead of a ladder to our destiny. Rather than bail and preserve ourselves, we persist, hoping against hope that we can change the other person, the relationship, or ourselves enough to save the union. We know we deserve better, but we stay until the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

4. You operated from fear. Fear is the greatest single producer of irrational and self-destructive choices. When we reflect on the bad decisions we've made in life, it's usually easy to see that the choice was not made from a place of power and love. The act of attempting to avoid some perceived negative consequence or uncomfortable experience clouds our judgment and shifts our awareness from love to fear.

Consciously choosing to enter relationships honestly and authentically can eliminate many of the traps that keep us stuck. Remembering to always come from love empowers us to always make choices that reflect our highest selves. Happy Partnering!

Later.

The Science of A Happy Marriage

**This is an interesting article I stumbled across today and I'm sharing it here because it's brilliant, and I've personally seen these dynamics at work in my own relationships. Read on & use this to strengthen your relationships!**



Hiding Beneath the Surface

Can a married couple be too close for their own good? Can intimacy lead a couple to break up? New brain science shows us that it can. If couples have not mastered the changing stages of marriage, breakup is possible, and often predictable because the human brain dictates a series of natural responses during the life of a relationship. How we handle those stages can make or break a marriage.

For 20 years I have been studying how women's and men's brains affect marriage, from the first blush of romance all the way through to lifelong partnership. Understanding the behavioral differences involved can be the key to making love last a lifetime.

Stage 1: Romance

When two lovers come together, their brains begin to "fall in love." The couple's pheromones -- chemical signals that work through our senses -- are very high, so when they smell each other or look into each other's eyes, their separate male and female minds become like one. High levels of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, may hide irritating behaviors from each other. But "lovers' bliss" ultimately ends, and a new biological stage of the relationship begins.

Stage 2: Disillusionment

After a few months or even a year, our hormones and brain chemistry begin to change, and our "thinking" brain -- the cerebral cortex -- may notice that our partner is flawed. We feel anger toward each other, irritation, even fear at times. If we married our partner during the Romance stage, we might, in Stage 2, begin to have second thoughts.

Perhaps the wife starts wondering, "What could he be thinking?" as he lies on the couch watching TV instead of doting on her. She feels rejected, especially since he no longer tells her what he's feeling when he feels it.

He can't understand why she's become critical of him about little things. They've been together a few years; they may have a child by now. What else could she want? He feels he's doing something wrong, but can't figure out how to fix it.

The brain chemicals that took over during the early stages of courtship and romance have dissipated, as if a rug was pulled out from under love. How easy it is to think there's now something wrong with ourselves or our partner. How easy to say, "He/she is not the person I married."

But this confusing place is a normal stage, a chemical letdown in both their brains. It's also a necessary next step in helping two very different brain systems come together for life.

Stage 3: Power Struggle

Two people who experience Disillusionment will usually initiate Power Struggle. They will counter the invisible chemical letdown by trying to change each other back to who they were -- or thought they were -- in the Romance stage. A man and a woman who are in love and struggling in this way will have the added difficulty (and ammunition) of being neurally "different" -- for the male and female brains think, act, behave and even love quite uniquely.

This is a painful time. But couples who are locked in Power Struggle don't realize their brain differences can actually be the key to long-term marriage.

After Romance ebbs, the man may want more independent activities, the woman more contact with friends. While this tendency has a foundation in learned behaviors and gender roles, hormones like testosterone and estrogen support these differences.

What's the impact of this on marriage? Well, one of the main reasons we pick at each other mercilessly during the Power Struggle stage is our differing attitudes toward marital independence. Not surprisingly, first marriages that end in divorce last an average of seven to eight years -- the very time we are trying to "change" the other person.

Yet nature does not allow us to turn back the chemical and neural clock. Nature keeps moving forward in the life cycle. A new stage of marital love awaits when the couple can finally discover each other, both as lovers and as men and women. It will require one or both to awaken to something that has been hiding beneath the surface.
Intimate Separateness

Stage 4: Awakening

What many couples don't understand is that before drifting apart, there is an earlier step that goes unnoticed. In Romance, Disillusionment and Power Struggle, the man and woman become too close, erasing one another's individuality. A man might see his wife's emotionality, need to communicate, desire for sensual romance, even attitude toward housework as a waste of time. She might see her husband's habits, hobbies, preoccupation with work, and need for independence as dangerous or selfish. In Stage 4, the couple awaken to the realization that they've been too close to each other in unhealthy ways and must now psychologically separate. This separation does not mean divorce -- it means understanding. In this new stage, the thinking brain overrides emotional responses that could cause conflict and a feeling of grief over their lost romance.

A man might step back and say nothing when he sees his wife doing something that irritates -- he just mentally steps around it. A woman might supportively say, "I get what that's about now," when he does something equally irritating to her.

Ultimately men realize that women are right: A relationship is most likely doomed if there isn't enough togetherness. But men are right, too: It is most likely in serious trouble if there is not enough independence.

When we are too far away from each other, that amazing love we knew at the beginning will die. Yet when we are so close that one person will not allow the other to be himself or herself, the marriage can't survive. Understanding the strengths of male and female chemistry is the key to success.

Stage 5: Long-Term Marriage

The balance between the prototypical male and female ways of relating is a balanced state of love I call Intimate Separateness. The Power Struggle of Stage 3 dissipates, and strategies of mature love that nurture both intimacy and separateness take over. Couples live together, raise children, love and are loved, but not because they've become the same as each other -- in fact, because they've learned to be happily different.

To Foster Intimacy

* A happy couple in a happy marriage develop bonding rituals, like date nights, family dinners, talking on the phone or e-mailing when one of them is traveling. These rituals become the pillars that hold up the marriage. Every moment of the relationship does not have to be intimate -- the husband and wife know that the bonding rituals will sustain the power of love when life gets busy and stressful.
* They practice kindness and politeness with each other in at least 95 percent of their interactions. There is perhaps no one who deserves better treatment than one's spouse, but when we're locked in Power Struggle, we think our partner should be our constant object of stress ventilation. The frontal lobes are really doing their mature job when we realize how a good marriage depends on kindness.
* They resolve arguments rather than letting things fester. Sure, they get angry and argue, but they make sure to apologize for meanness, and solve their conflicts. When needed, they get help from friends, extended family or professionals.

To Protect Separateness

* They appreciate each other's eccentricities and differences, especially as woman and man. Perhaps he hogs the remote control when they watch TV. Instead of reacting, she chuckles. Or perhaps she wants to talk about her feelings with him; he understands how important this is to her as a woman and takes the time to listen.
* They develop different sets of friends, generally female for her and male for him, and encourage each other in these friendships. Over the years they may find that even while their spouse is their best friend, they are still getting much of their emotional needs met through others.
* They allow each other different marital domains. If a special project, a hobby or sport, a way of socializing is very important to one, the other helps promote that. This way, each partner has a personal place, a time, an activity which brings meaning and power.

There's tremendous value in knowing that your feelings toward one another are likely to change over time and that change is normal. Your brain chemistry plays a role, and there's no point in fighting it. Instead, let biology guide you toward understanding, and natural, long-term love. After all, human beings are creatures of nature, and nature is very wise indeed.

7 Secrets for Turning Connections into Cash!

So we’ve all heard that your network determines your net worth, but how? I mean, you can swap business cards, “do lunch” and Facebook friend cool entrepreneurs you meet, but how do you turn connections into cash?

As an entrepreneur with my feet firmly planted in two industries, business and entertainment, I’ve had to become really great at networking to keep my business growing. I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way and also learned simple, powerful ways to bring new people into my fold and go from having a stack of meaningless business cards on my desk to a Rolodex that feeds my bottom line.

Today I’m offering you 7 modern tips for connecting. They’re modern because these philosophies and strategies are ideal for the Gen Y entrepreneur who is creative, current, and successful. They promote authenticity and ignore stuffy, formulaic approaches.

1. Passion & Enthusiasm – Without the right attitude and approach to networking, it can come off phony, needy, or salesy. Think about your business – how do you enrich the lives of the people you serve? Forget about your mission statement for a second and think about what your clients say about you – what do they love most about you and what you do? There’s no reason to feel slimy or shy when you’re providing value. We’re all drawn to people who are enthusiastic about they do. There are people out there who need what you have, and networking is a platform for you to get your product or service into the hands of the right people. See yourself as a consultant. If you sell from a place of genuinely wanting to help and empower the people you meet, you no longer need to question whether you’re tooting your own horn or coming off as obnoxious. Always come from a desire to empower people in your network, and they will use you, refer others to you, and send opportunities your way.

2. A Stellar Introduction – Have you ever been to a seminar or networking event and seen that one person who always seems to have someone chatting them up? Those people aren’t always the most interesting people in the room even though it seems that way. Those are the people who usually have really awesome introductions. A great introduction is not an elevator pitch – it’s a one line story about you that says who you are, the outcome you create, and who you serve. Consider this example: A branding consultant wants to introduce himself at an event. There are 2 ways he could introduce himself.

A: “Hi, I’m John and I’m a branding specialist.”
B: “Hey! I’m John, I show Gen Y entrepreneurs how to become rock stars in their industry using social media.”

Do we really want to hear more from introduction A? We’ve all been in a situation where we’re bored to tears listening to someone rattle off irrelevant jargon. Introduction B draws you in and creates a great conversation starter. By sharing the specific outcome you create, you demonstrate the value of your product or service. Furthermore, you plant an important seed in the mind of your listener. Perhaps they need your services or know someone who does. They can only accurately judge that if you deliver a clear, powerful introduction that draws them in.

3. Ask the right questions. – Asking the right questions can help you cut through the rubbish and get to the bottom line. Rather than asking what someone does, ask how their product or service works. Ask them how you can help them go to the next level in their business and really listen to the answer. If you ask better questions, you get better answers which position you to offer expert advice and tailor your services to the needs of those you meet

4. Complete a network evaluation. –Before you go to that next mixer or networking event, take some time to evaluate your current network and the people in it. What kind of people do you attract? What kind of relationships have you built so far? Is your network stale? Do you need to spend some time connecting with the people in your current network and offering your services there before going after new clients? With business changing so rapidly, a period as short as six months can mean a completely different need or circumstance for your ideal client. Keeping your finger on the pulse of your current network helps you network more effectively in the future. After all, you can’t provide the highest value to those you meet if you’re not fully engaged with those you already know. Invest time in building relationships – not just creating them.

5. Create a networking target list. – What type of person do you need to connect with in order to grow your business? What gaps have you observed in your network? Every entrepreneur needs a well-rounded network to maintain a thriving business and career. After you’ve done a network evaluation, it’s easier to see who you might need to add to your network. Maybe you have a lot of finance professionals but you’re missing the creative types. You might gravitate towards younger, trendy CEOs, but you know the wisdom of an industry veteran would be invaluable. Don’t be afraid to think big about the types of people who could empower you to expand your business. Whether it’s a celebrity, an industry titan, or your favorite Business author, consider what it would mean to have powerful people in your network then create a strategy to network with purpose.

6. Develop a networking strategy. – Showing up to every event you can find and swapping business cards does not a strategy make! Highly successful CEOs connect with purpose – they are clear about the type of people they want in their space, and they make it a point to seek out people who possess qualities or resources they need. A networking strategy should be written and should outline who you’d like to add to your network, why you want to add them, where they network/hang out, and how you intend to engage them once you make contact. Even if you only have prototypes of people i.e. creative types, thought leaders, techies, marketers, etc, you will be light years ahead of the average entrepreneur. As with everything else in life, clarity helps you discern the distractions from the opportunities. With a clear networking strategy, you can connect and engage with the right people who can benefit from what you do or help you increase your bottom line. Use your networking time wisely by being laser sharp in where you go and who you engage.

7. Build relationships. – You’ve probably heard that the fortune is in the follow up. Follow up is good, but relationship building is excellent. People spend money with those they know, like, and trust. You gain that trust by consistently engaging the people in your network in meaningful conversation and mutually beneficial exchanges. A simple follow up e-mail with an article is not enough anymore. If you can’t be bothered with really getting to know people and what makes them tick, you’ll struggle with developing those relationships that will mean the most to your bottom line. Jot down birthdays, anniversaries, and milestones of key people in your network and acknowledge those dates. Send handwritten thank you notes to people who have helped you or given you advice. Choose a handful people to have phone appointments or lunch with each month or each quarter. Share exciting news about your career or business. Remember that business people are people, and that means they want to feel important and be acknowledged, no matter what their title is or how successful they are. Make it a point to build relationships that last instead of fleeting communication.

Your network really does determine your net worth, but it’s not all about who you know – it’s also about who knows you and what they know about you. Using the secrets I’ve shared, your network will explode and even better, your bottom line will too.

The proper use of the word "no"

Many people struggle with setting appropriate boundaries and saying no. Perhaps the most important thing to understand is that boundaries are healthy and without them, our emotional and spiritual security evaporates. Setting boundaries doesn't mean we're "selfish", "mean" or "strict". Sometimes we say yes to things we don't want to do out of fear - fear of losing a person or his/her approval, fear of guilt, fear of loneliness, fear of owning the power of choosing to say no. Saying no when we need to comes from love - love of ourselves, love of the other person, and love of the things we value most.

Consider these things next time you're tempted to say yes when you want to say no:

* You are only responsible for yourself! As a person of integrity, you should speak the truth in love at all times, but you are not responsible for the emotions of people who choose not to respectfully accept your boundaries.
* You can be emotionally attached to people without losing your sense of self and your freedom.
* There's nothing selfish about setting boundaries. You are responsible for your own well-being and boundaries assist you in properly caring for yourself and your life.
* Boundaries don't always indicate anger. There are diplomatic, polite, and loving ways to communicate "no" to those you love. A great start is by showing appreciation for their efforts and requests.
* As you demonstrate love and respect to those around you by honoring their "no"s, you are able to more comfortably say no when necessary.

Use "yes" and "no" as mere indicators of choice. They are not a reflection of your love or respect for the other person, only of your commitment to honoring yourself.

The Graduated Relationship System

Over the years, I've become more aware of the importance of forming healthy relationships. In examining the various types of relationships that we develop, I've realized that there are strategies to developing relationships - things we can remain mindful of that can help us avoid unhealthy situations and people and gravitate towards those that are healthy and can serve us.

I use the graduated relationship system as outlined in the diagram of concentric circles above. Over time, I realize that one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships, personal and professional, is allowing people too close who have not shown themselves trustworthy. It's tempting (and sometimes very easy) to allow new people to enter our worlds uninhibited. Sometimes we find ourselves disappointed after the fact when a person we let in too easily says or done things that hurt us or are inconsistent with our value systems.

A better way if relating is to see ourselves as being the center of a set of concentric circles. You are at the center and there are levels outside of you that include various levels of interaction and various aspects of a relationship. For instance, the first circle from the center should be the people who are closest to you and support you unconditionally. This can include best friends and very close family members. The next circle should be friends and family members who are close yet don't have the intimate connection of those in the inner most circle. The next circle should include acquaintances, co-workers, family friends, church members, etc. The outermost circle should include people you've met recently, "hi and bye" type friends, and other new friends and colleagues.

Using the concentric circle idea enables you to remain in an emotionally safe space while still introducing new people into your life. Graduating new people to the inner most circle without time, contact, and careful consideration can have lasting unfavorable consequences.

In short, take your time. Anyone who deserves to be in your life can take the time to invest in the relationship and allow things to evolve versus forcing them to happen.

Remember that all of this applies to professional relationships as well as personal relationships. Be conscious in your interactions and allow your horizontal relationships to be a reflection of your vertical relationships!

Until next time, be inspired!