The 4 Reasons Your Last Relationship Failed

Between weddings, scandals, affairs, and meldowns, 2010 has been an interesting year for relationships. Just days ago, we watched as singer Fantasia was admitted to the hospital for an overdose of aspirin and sleeping pills days after defending accusations that she was responsible for the demise of Antwaun Cook's marriage via an affair and sex tape.

It's been a hot summer - I personally have watched several couples breakup, and I've seen mudslinging, blame, and anger galore. Amidst the chaos, I sat thinking about relationships and why they end...how complicated and messy they can be and how little responsibility we want to take when they fall apart.

I have always loved Iyanla Vanzant's In The Meantime - a great primer for anyone facing relationship changes. She examines the many reasons relationships end, and in pondering the recent trends I've observed, I've narrowed the failures down to 4 causes that manifest themselves in a variety of ways.

1. You didn’t have clarity about something at the onset (who you are, what you want, what you’re about, who he is, what he’s about, what he wants). How many times have we gone into relationships hoping to find ourselves or to have the other person define us? Relationships are not places for discovering identity - they're places for fully expressing who you've already chosen to be. If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are, there's a good chance you'll find yourself doing things you object to at some point. Clarity is an important part of partnering in an authentic way.

2. You did not tell the truth or the truth was not told to you. We can only take responsibility for ourselves, but oftentimes, we start relationships on lies because we're afraid to operate in our truth or we don't want to continue in the discomfort of being alone. We lie to ourselves hoping that if we repeat something long enough, it will somehow become the truth. It never works. When we lie to ourselves, we only make it difficult for us to trust anyone and believe in anything. The truth is the only foundation for building a healthy, functional relationship.

3. You settled or did not show up in the relationship in an authentic way. At some point in many relationships, we see the red flashing lights and hear the sirens. We learn, through observation or intuition, that the situation has taken a wrong turn and that our partnership is slowly become a slippery slope to destruction instead of a ladder to our destiny. Rather than bail and preserve ourselves, we persist, hoping against hope that we can change the other person, the relationship, or ourselves enough to save the union. We know we deserve better, but we stay until the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

4. You operated from fear. Fear is the greatest single producer of irrational and self-destructive choices. When we reflect on the bad decisions we've made in life, it's usually easy to see that the choice was not made from a place of power and love. The act of attempting to avoid some perceived negative consequence or uncomfortable experience clouds our judgment and shifts our awareness from love to fear.

Consciously choosing to enter relationships honestly and authentically can eliminate many of the traps that keep us stuck. Remembering to always come from love empowers us to always make choices that reflect our highest selves. Happy Partnering!

Later.