The 4 Reasons Your Last Relationship Failed

Between weddings, scandals, affairs, and meldowns, 2010 has been an interesting year for relationships. Just days ago, we watched as singer Fantasia was admitted to the hospital for an overdose of aspirin and sleeping pills days after defending accusations that she was responsible for the demise of Antwaun Cook's marriage via an affair and sex tape.

It's been a hot summer - I personally have watched several couples breakup, and I've seen mudslinging, blame, and anger galore. Amidst the chaos, I sat thinking about relationships and why they end...how complicated and messy they can be and how little responsibility we want to take when they fall apart.

I have always loved Iyanla Vanzant's In The Meantime - a great primer for anyone facing relationship changes. She examines the many reasons relationships end, and in pondering the recent trends I've observed, I've narrowed the failures down to 4 causes that manifest themselves in a variety of ways.

1. You didn’t have clarity about something at the onset (who you are, what you want, what you’re about, who he is, what he’s about, what he wants). How many times have we gone into relationships hoping to find ourselves or to have the other person define us? Relationships are not places for discovering identity - they're places for fully expressing who you've already chosen to be. If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are, there's a good chance you'll find yourself doing things you object to at some point. Clarity is an important part of partnering in an authentic way.

2. You did not tell the truth or the truth was not told to you. We can only take responsibility for ourselves, but oftentimes, we start relationships on lies because we're afraid to operate in our truth or we don't want to continue in the discomfort of being alone. We lie to ourselves hoping that if we repeat something long enough, it will somehow become the truth. It never works. When we lie to ourselves, we only make it difficult for us to trust anyone and believe in anything. The truth is the only foundation for building a healthy, functional relationship.

3. You settled or did not show up in the relationship in an authentic way. At some point in many relationships, we see the red flashing lights and hear the sirens. We learn, through observation or intuition, that the situation has taken a wrong turn and that our partnership is slowly become a slippery slope to destruction instead of a ladder to our destiny. Rather than bail and preserve ourselves, we persist, hoping against hope that we can change the other person, the relationship, or ourselves enough to save the union. We know we deserve better, but we stay until the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

4. You operated from fear. Fear is the greatest single producer of irrational and self-destructive choices. When we reflect on the bad decisions we've made in life, it's usually easy to see that the choice was not made from a place of power and love. The act of attempting to avoid some perceived negative consequence or uncomfortable experience clouds our judgment and shifts our awareness from love to fear.

Consciously choosing to enter relationships honestly and authentically can eliminate many of the traps that keep us stuck. Remembering to always come from love empowers us to always make choices that reflect our highest selves. Happy Partnering!

Later.

Authenticity: The Essential Ingredient for Outrageous Success

Imagine for a moment a shiny new Mercedes...it's black so it reflects light...it's sleek...it's undeniably hot.



Looks nice huh?


Now what if the interior had candy wrappers, dirty diapers, soda cans, 3 month old food, mud, crumbs, and dust all over it?


That would be a contradiction...an obvious contrast from the shiny and clean exterior to the junky, filthy interior.


But how many of us are like this car? We spend more time cleaning and grooming our exteriors than we do our interiors.

I was speaking with a prospective member of the board of Inspired Girls, and the thing I just LOVE about this woman is her authenticity...I mean, she's so REAL. She's not afraid to be who she is, imperfections and all, and to acknowledge that in a very frank yet graceful way. To say that I have tremendous respect for her would be an understatement. And interestingly enough, her authenticity inspires the same in others.

Anyway, I was applauding her authenticity and telling her how much I appreciated that about her, and I began to consider why it was such a big deal to me. The reason is because there are so many people who struggle with being authentic. The relationship that we have with ourselves and with God is revealed in our relationships with others. When we struggle to be authentic with those around us, we can almost certainly trace the effect back to ourselves as the cause.

Part of the issue is not wanting to be seen as we are. Have you ever been in a lounge, club or restaurant that was dimly lit? You may have seen a person across the room who looked amazing, but when they stepped into the light, you saw their flaws and bordered on being indignant at the misrepresentation. We want to believe that what we see (or hear) is what we get...but too often this is not the case.

So, how do we remedy this? Well, it requires introspection and a commitment to growth. I have several framed quotes on the wall in my office and one of them says, "Love yourself unconditionally for this is how God loves you and He created you." I absolutely love it because I often need the reminder to be patient with myself. As we begin choosing to love ourselves, forgive ourselves, and believe that we should live the lives of our dreams, we find that our self-image improves as does our level of self-respect.

Albert Einstein said that problems cannot be solved on the level they were created. If you are operating at a level 2 that renders you inauthentic, your development into a person who is authentic will require change - an ascension to a higher plane. Most people can't have what they say they want because they're mastered by the fear of change. The unknown is single handedly responsible for a lack of achievement. And change, in all of its scary glory, requires commitment.

So what are we committing to? To being wrong sometimes. To making mistakes sometimes. To errors in judgment. To space to grow. To taking steps into the unknown. To jumping out of the proverbial planes in our lives. To being 100% true to the person who shows up in light rather than the person who cowers in darkness.

In my book, I talk about the importance of "safety" in relationships - safety to be honest, to communicate needs and wants, to pursue meaningful goals, and to make mistakes. Safety is rooted in being loved perfectly even though you are imperfect. In loving people as if they are what they ought to be, we help them become everything they should be. However, this level of love can only be achieved when we are able to love our imperfect selves perfectly. And so, this brings us again to the necessity of personal authenticity...because if you cannot accept and love yourself unconditionally - flaws and all - then you will be irritated at the very suggestion of having to love someone more than you love yourself.

My challenge to you is to begin (and continue) making authentic choices. Starting today. Say what you need to say - speak the truth in love. Make the decision you need to make. I can assure you that living in your truth and operating from complete authenticity and personal integrity will NOT always feel good. In fact, it will often make you uneasy...but I consider it an acquired taste. As you continue to operate authentically with yourself and others, you will find it less uncomfortable. You will attract other authentic people and create safe, healthy relationships. Over time, authenticity becomes a way of life and anything but the truth is considered unacceptable.

Every success is sweeter when achieved by the authentic you. You are more than enough.

That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity. So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something.
-Meredith Monk

Super Saturday Quote

Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. Theses are the magic keys to living your life with integrity."

- W. Clement Stone

Live authentically!

Imagine for a moment a shiny new Mercedes...it's black so it reflects light...it's sleek...it's undeniably hot.


Looks nice huh?


Now what if the interior had candy wrappers, dirty diapers, soda cans, 3 month old food, mud, crumbs, and dust all over it?


That would be a contradiction...an obvious contrast from the shiny and clean exterior to the junky, filthy interior.


But how many of us are like this car? We spend more time cleaning and grooming our exteriors than we do our interiors.

I was speaking with a prospective member of the board of Inspired Girls, and the thing I just LOVE about this woman is her authenticity...I mean, she's so REAL. She's not afraid to be who she is, imperfections and all, and to acknowledge that in a very frank yet graceful way. To say that I have tremendous respect for her would be an understatement. And interestingly enough, her authenticity inspires the same in others.

Anyway, I was applauding her authenticity and telling her how much I appreciated that about her, and I began to consider why it was such a big deal to me. The reason is because there are so many people who struggle with being authentic. The relationship that we have with ourselves and with God is revealed in our relationships with others. When we struggle to be authentic with those around us, we can almost certainly trace the effect back to ourselves as the cause.

Part of the issue is not wanting to be seen as we are. Have you ever been in a lounge, club or restaurant that was dimly lit? You may have seen a person across the room who looked amazing, but when they stepped into the light, you saw their flaws and bordered on being indignant at the misrepresentation. We want to believe that what we see (or hear) is what we get...but too often this is not the case.

So, how do we remedy this? Well, it requires introspection and a commitment to growth. I have several framed quotes on the wall in my office and one of them says, "Love yourself unconditionally for this is how God loves you and He created you." I absolutely love it because I often need the reminder to be patient with myself. As we begin choosing to love ourselves, forgive ourselves, and believe that we should live the lives of our dreams, we find that our self-image improves as does our level of self-respect.

Albert Einstein said that problems cannot be solved on the level they were created. If you are operating at a level 2 that renders you inauthentic, your development into a person who is authentic will require change - an ascension to a higher plane. Most people can't have what they say they want because they're mastered by the fear of change. The unknown is single handedly responsible for a lack of achievement. And change, in all of its scary glory, requires commitment.

So what are we committing to? To being wrong sometimes. To making mistakes sometimes. To errors in judgment. To space to grow. To taking steps into the unknown. To jumping out of the proverbial planes in our lives. To being 100% true to the person who shows up in light rather than the person who cowers in darkness.

In my book, I talk about the importance of "safety" in relationships - safety to be honest, to communicate needs and wants, to pursue meaningful goals, and to make mistakes. Safety is rooted in being loved perfectly even though you are imperfect. In loving people as if they are what they ought to be, we help them become everything they should be. However, this level of love can only be achieved when we are able to love our imperfect selves perfectly. And so, this brings us again to the necessity of personal authenticity...because if you cannot accept and love yourself unconditionally - flaws and all - then you will be irritated at the very suggestion of having to love someone more than you love yourself.

My challenge to you is to begin (and continue) making authentic choices. Starting today. Say what you need to say - speak the truth in love. Make the decision you need to make. I can assure you that living in your truth and operating from complete authenticity and personal integrity will NOT always feel good. In fact, it will often make you uneasy...but I consider it an acquired taste. As you continue to operate authentically with yourself and others, you will find it less uncomfortable. You will attract other authentic people and create safe, healthy relationships. Over time, authenticity becomes a way of life and anything but the truth is considered unacceptable.

Every success is sweeter when achieved by the authentic you. You are more than enough.